One of my goals this semester is to fully participate in my life and recovery. - - Last semester was truly a disaster. I was crawling towards the finish line and had so many obstacles thrown in my way. For some of the weeks, I truly thought I was going to end up in the hospital. I was so low mentally at times. I am proud of myself for holding it together (just barely), and even more grateful to my boyfriend @superbrentendo / amazing friends @bringinlexibck, @benjy_ragu, @taylor.white1197, @_sarah.hansen_, @m.bearman, @taylorjl98, and more for helping me along the way ❤️ - One of the ways I am going to fully participate in my recovery is to use coping skills! Last semester, I spent a lot of the time wallowing in bed letting myself be consumed with the negative thoughts without doing anything to counter the thoughts. - - In hard moments, it can be difficult to think of skills to use. So, this list will (hopefully) remind me of the skills I have and can use when I need them. - - What coping skills do you think are the most helpful? Have a fab day! 🌟
Today’s airport lunch vs April 2017’s airport lunch + snack (and the only thing I ate that day). - - To think I truly believed an almond milk smoothie, coffee, and kind bar constituted a day’s worth of food is so sad to me. This was very close to my last residential admission, and that meal was me really pushing myself. - - Today’s airport meal is a veggie burger and fries. This is also me really pushing myself. This break I’ve restricted / purged so eating regularly is tough. I had breakfast this morning, and have sat all day, which is making me extremely nervous. Part of me wants to be as small as possible when I see my dietician this week. - - Ultimately I know shrinking does nothing but make me miserable. Gotta keep moving forward 🤞
Night snack! Hershey’s dulce de leche bar, knopper’s hazelnut wafted, and two random holiday chocolates 🌟 - This is the biggest recovery win I’ve had in awhile, but I’m torn between feeling accomplished and feeling like a failure. Over the break I’ve gotten much more rigid with food and completely cut out snacks. So, eating outside of the 2-3 meals I’m having is out of the question. Even though I went against my eating disorder, part of me feels horrible for failing to listen to it. - - Today I wasn’t even going to have dinner, so having a snack on top of that is making me feel so guilty. My family went out to dinner while I was at a yoga class, so I felt really self conscious about making myself something. I know I’ve slipped this break, and it’s making the ED voice louder, stronger, and that much harder to disobey. - - Forever grateful to my boy (@superbrentendo) for helping me make recovery oriented choices, and for sharing some choccie over FaceTime with me 💖 - Have a nice evening, friends! 🌙
Simple + quick lunch: mountain of veggies, @gardein chickn patty, and rice 😋 - I really struggled to have this. I woke up and had breakfast, which freaked me out as having a full breakfast isn’t something I normally have. I was very anxious after breakfast, so managed to get myself to walk my dogs and go to the bookstore to pick up a book. I haven’t read outside of school for so long and I miss it. I was a big bookworm as a kid, so not having the mental energy to focus on a book definitely sucks. - - After the bookstore, I was planning on getting lunch but every restaurant I wanted to go to was closed (Sunday’s in a small town). I ended up going to Publix and paced in front of the vegetarian section for over ten minutes. The compulsions, calorie counting, macro balancing, and fears all came into play. - - After some encouragement I made this. Today has been an exercise in pushing past anxieties and fears. - - Doing the hard stuff now in the hopes of it not always being this way 🤞Have a lovely Sunday, friends!
Dinner! Vegan avocado pasta with cannelloni beans 🥑 - New recipes are always scary, but I saw this online and just had to try it. Plus I had some ripe avocados to use up so it was the perfect time! The recipe didn’t come out perfectly (I added way too much garlic) which made it even harder, but I managed to eat it and enjoy it! - - Today has been truly awful. Usually I try not to be so negative, but it’s one of the worst days I’ve had in awhile. ☹️ - It all started around 9:30pm yesterday. I wanted a snack but my stupid ED wouldn’t let me, and it just all sort of spiraled into a panic attack that had me crying until 1:30am. Yes, over wanting a damn snack. I also was so caught up in comparisons today. Some of my friends were talking about the credits they needed to graduate and how they could graduate early, and it made me feel so incredibly shitty. I had to take three semesters off to go to treatment so I’m over a year behind all of my friends in school. I just feel like they are all eons ahead of me in life, and that I’ll never catch up to them. Then of course I had to go and attack Brent over his seemingly perfect life - grades, family, lack of mental illness, etc etc. I know that was definitely unfair and that I was being a jealous bitch, which just makes me feel even worse. - - All of these feelings were amplified due to me being an idiot and not taking Effexor (antidepressant) for the past 2 days. I’ve tapered down from a super high dose over the past few months, to the point where I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal if I stopped taking it. I was so so wrong. I was so extremely emotional and suicidal over the past two days, plus extremely physically sick - nauseous, dizzy, freezing, etc. Effexor is notorious for its withdrawal, and if I had known it would’ve been this hard to get off of, I never would’ve stopped taking it. The withdrawals from a 300mg dose were just as bad as today’s withdrawals from 37mg. I even missed a yoga class with one of my favorite teachers. I drove 30 min there just to be too nauseous to take the class :( So I’ve done no exercise today, making me feel like a fat lazy piece of shit ☹️- - Hopefully tomorrow will be better 🤞
Lunch time! Tofurkey / avo / spinach sandwich, salt & vinegar chips, and strawberries! - - I wanted these chips last night but was too worried about eating carbs that late at night (ED “logic”) but I had them today and they were so good! Snack foods like chips really scare me, especially in family sized bags because there’s no set portion and it’s easy to eat “too many.” I’ve always really liked salt & vinegar chips, and before my ED I could easily demolish half a big bag at once. Even typing that out is so embarrassing and makes me cringe. Being that out of control with food terrifies me, so I tend to avoid the foods I ate in larger quantities pre-ED. Chips were one of my go to snacks beforehand, and eating them now is still so stressful. - Also oddly enough I used to avoid sandwiches - I would always eat my toast open faced, be it plain or with avocado and other stuff on top. I did this because when I was restricting, I wanted the times that I did eat to last as long as possible. And 2 slices of toast takes twice as long to eat as a sandwich. So, any time I do eat a sandwich I get really worried that I’m eating too fast and it’ll be over before I get a chance to enjoy it. I know that makes no sense but 🤷♀️ I’ve always been a faster eater than most, and it’s something I’m super self conscious about. Plus my boyfriend, who I share the most meals with, is a pretty slow eater so I get even more caught up in comparison and embarrassment. Eating foods / preparations of food I usually avoid because I eat them too fast is still really hard ☹️ - On a more positive note, I really enjoyed this meal and I’m proud of myself for eating it! - Hope you all have a fabulous day 😋
Dinner - oats cooked in cashew milk with peanut butter / berries mixed in & topped with some greek yog 🌟 - A delicious dinner after a wonderful yoga class. Earlier this afternoon I had a lot of cheezits and it ended up making my stomach hurt, so a simple dinner that is easy on the stomach was definitely needed. - - Super glad I was pushed to go to yoga today - I’ve sort of wallowed in my depression all day. Yoga, specifically @uruyoga was a vital part of my recovery when I lived with my parents. This past semester I’ve spent too much time trapped in bed from depression, and not enough time actively participating in making myself feel better. - In her New Year’s Eve class, @rebeccasathre talked about finding one’s “sankalpa,” an intention formed by the heart and mind. Essentially, a less surface level, more introspective new year’s resolution. When she was reading examples of other yogis’ sankalpas, she got me thinking about the phrase “fully participate.” This past year, I’ve made a lot of steps in the right direction. But there’s still a lot of growth I need to do. - - A lot of times, I find myself mindlessly watching YouTube videos, or just laying in bed doing nothing but dwelling on bad thoughts. It’s so easy to just hide in my room and do nothing. It’s scary to actively do things that make myself feel better. I default to passively allowing negative thoughts to dominate. Because if I actively work against those thoughts, I’m also actively distancing myself from the eating disorder and depression that have kept me feeling so safe for so long. - - I think new year’s resolutions are largely overrated, surface level, and impractical. However, I do have an intention for this coming year: I want to participate more fully in my life. To do more things that scare me, and push myself outside of my comfort zone. - - I hope you all had a wonderful first day of the year 💕
Lunch with @taylorjl98 after a wonderful yoga class taught by @rebeccasathre / @uruyoga 💕 - Vegan spicy “chicken” sandwich + chips + unpictured whole milk (!!!) cappuccino from @theleisureclubcoffee 🤤 - First time doing yoga in months, and I feel so out of shape. The strength I had a year ago is no longe there, which is really frustrating. It was so amazing to be back at the studio I love so dearly though! - Lunch was also amazing, it was so nice to catch up with my wonderful friend 💖💖 What I ordered was super scary and I feel super guilty :/ and when I got back to my grandparents house afterward I ate even more (and breakfast). I just feel really overwhelmed with the amount I’ve eaten and so so fat urgh. Just wish my brain would shut up so I could enjoy food in peace 🙄
Lunch from my fave local co-op @evermancoop! Starting in the bottom left corner and going up then across, I had tofu cashew salad, tuna, mashed potatoes w/ mushroom gravy, all the veggies, maple glazed yams, and 2 unpictured boiled eggs 🤤 - TW: calories/macros/weight following - - This was SO good, especially the tofu cashew salad (sort of like vegan chicken salad). I skipped breakfast because I felt overwhelmed with what I ate yesterday, but tried to make up with a bigger lunch. Yesterday I had loads of fried lumpia (eggrolls), pancit (Filipino noodle dish), cake, rice, cheese toast, etc. Aka tons of carbs and fats with essentially no protein and absolutely no veggies. As I was serving myself at our Christmas meal, I was shocked to see there were no veggies amongst the spread. It really upset me and made me realize how tied I still am to macros / “balancing” meals. Even though I don’t actively count calories/macros, I still very much subconsciously choose higher protein, “healthier” options, and always try to have more veggies than any other component in a meal. - - This morning I saw my old therapist, which was super nice! It was good to reflect on the past year since I last saw her in person. Over the past year, I’ve gained a lot of freedom and flexibility with food. However, I find myself still clinging to bits of my eating disorder. I recently found out I’ve gained 8lbs in the past year, and that infuriated me. I feel like I’ve let myself go; 8lbs ago I was still considered weight restored, and feel like I didn’t need to gain a single ounce. - - I’m trying to reframe and look beyond the 8lbs I’ve gained. I’ve also gained meaningful relationships, happy memories, greater ease around food, and my baby @sproutthepomapoo. Even though I’m still very upset about my weight and want so badly to lose, I know that won’t get me anywhere. In 10 years I don’t want to have an eating disorder. I want to be financially independent, working at my career, and living on my own. Me wanting to be sick now does not track with the future I want later. I need to work at my recovery now so that I can have the life I want in the future.
Christmas morning breakfast! Cinnamon raisin toast with almond butter & allllll the berries 😋 - I hope everyone is having a fabulous morning! I have spent numerous holidays in treatment centers and inpatient units, so being strictly outpatient this year is a huge accomplishment 🎉 - I’m nervous about Christmas dinner, and a lot of me wants to restrict beforehand. But I know that’ll make eating later on even harder. And for the first time ever, I’m actually wanting recovery and making the appropriate choices on my own? It’s very strange and scary to me but I’m trying to be kind to myself (also new and scary). - - I hope everyone has a nice day! ❤️
Lunch - brown rice, veggies, and 2 eggs! - - Being home is extremely hard. It’s difficult being where I got so sick. It’s difficult being around my family. And it’s difficult getting away from my routine. On top of all that, there was an insurance mixup so I am without 2 of my meds for the next month. - - The first few days I was home I was restricting a lot. But ultimately, that won’t get me anywhere. I want to do things in my life and I can’t do that if I’m engaging in my eating disorder. - - Actively pursuing recovery is so terrifying, but I am trying to trust myself? - - Have a lovely day, friends!
Chocolate fondue for dessert with my boy 🤤 - This morning I took my last exam of the semester! It was an absolute shit show - I was literally racing through it and ended up needing the full three hours. But now it’s over and I never have to think about it again! - - Later this week I’m going home for a month, where I’ll be away from my therapist, dietician, and psychiatrist. Usually I see each of them weekly, so that’s going to be a huge change for me. Since I won’t be weighed every week, part of me was definitely planning on restricting and “shocking” my team with how much weight I lost over the break. But after a much needed conversation with @bringinlexibck, I realized that I don’t want that. I’m so tired of being trapped in a disordered mindset, and I don’t want to be sick for the rest of my life. Plus, let’s be real - being hungry SUCKS. Food is great, and there’s no reason why I should deny myself it. - - That line of thinking is a huge shift for me, and honestly terrifying. Fully wanting recovery is not something I’m all that familiar with - there’s always been some part of me holding onto / longing for the eating disorder. After having it around for so long, it’s comforting and familiar. Letting go is so so scary, but also so so necessary. - - Have a wonderful week, friends!
Dinner earlier was shrimp & veggie egg foo young with unpictured rice 🍴(TW for the rest) - I ate so incredibly much today (blueberry donut, an absurd amount of pretzel crisps, a babybel, like 10 Hershey’s kisses, plus this dinner) and my head is screaming. Plus I’ve been stuck inside studying for finals all the time so I’ve been moving less than I would like 😔 - On top of this I can’t stop thinking about food? Like I saw French fries on Instagram and now that’s all I can think about? - I would love just one day when I wasn’t worrying about food/movement/calories. Just one 😩 - Sry to be so ~ negative ~ but this is the shitty reality of eating disorders.
Super quick lunch during a finals study break: rice, veggies, and two eggs 🍳 - I’m on a new medication that is making me even more exhausted than usual (I didn’t even think that was possible). Once I take it, I fall asleep for a minimum of 12 hours and it’s impossible to get up before then. It’s really cutting into my finals study time, and feeling constantly fatigued makes it even harder. It’s so extremely frustrating and I feel lazy / like a bad student for spending most of my reading days sleeping :/ On top of that, i feel so incredibly guilty for taking a break to eat urgghhh - - I also spent some time today going through old photos from when I was sick, which was definitely not helpful. Going to try to stay focused and do as much work as I can today, and not beat myself up too much. - - Have a lovely Friday, friends! 💕
Dinner tonight was veggie chili made with @gardein crumbles served over rice with alllllll of the delicious toppings! 😋 - 2 bowls of this and half a key lime tart later and I still can’t stop thinking about food. It’s driving me CRAZY. - - I had a dietician apt today and they keep getting increasingly meh. My dietician said something that really hurt my feelings a few weeks ago and I just can’t shake it. I don’t trust her anymore and I just spend my appointments looking at her blankly. - To add to all that, we didn’t have power for the past 3 days so I’ve had no choice but to eat out. I thought I was going to gain loads of weight at but I maintained despite all of the pasta and pancakes I’ve eaten, so I guess that’s a positive? - - Overall just struggling with body image and missing my illness (as weird as that might sound). It might just be finals stress talking, but I’m ready for this funk to be over 😴
Ice cream date with my boy last week! I couldn’t decide on a flavor but also didn’t think I could manage two full sized scoops (emotional fullness + delayed digestion issues) so I compromised and got 2 kids sized scoops! Jamoca almond chip & rocky road is the way to go ☝️ - Having one of those moments where I’m completely fed up with my ED. Those moments are more rare than I would like - so often I find myself holding onto the little bits of the disorder as a security blanket. I no longer have a sick looking body, but there are other thoughts / behaviors I cling to. For so long, my entire identity surrounded anorexia and it’s so so hard trying to let that fully go. - - But today is a glimpse of what an ED free life can be - I went to my favorite pancake place for brunch, sat all day while painting my nails / coloring, and now I’m about to have a yummy dinner and go see a movie. - - I think it’s common to romanticize your ED and forget all of the negatives. But today I’m remembering how awful and isolating it was, and finding so much gratitude for my ability to live life fully today 🌟
Eat, challenge, repeat 🥡a mantra I learned from the wonderful @recovery.chii - (tw on the rest) - My semester has not gone as planned, and my first urge is to punish myself by restricting food. But that won’t get me anywhere, and if anything, will lead to an even tougher semester. - - I remember when my family would get Chinese food and I would order vegetables and tofu, steamed, no sauce, and pretend I preferred it that way. I also remember eating it on the floor of my freshman dorm room only to purge into garbage bags I hid under my bed. Out of all the different types of food, Chinese definitely carries some of the most disordered behaviors and is therefore one of the hardest foods to challenge. And even though I did it once, that doesn’t mean I no longer have the urge to use behaviors after eating it. I would be lying if I said this was easy, but just gotta new challenging it until eating Chinese food is no longer accompanied with massive ED thoughts 🤞
Breakfast with my lovie 💛 - In the past, this shitty week would’ve called for restriction, isolation, and punishing myself. Glad I can employ some opposite action and enjoy my fave food to brighten this dreary Sunday ☀️