The love of my life left me out of the blue. I had no clue there was anything wrong and I was caught completely by surprise. My plans for the future no longer exist because everything was planned around the future I thought we had together. All I’ve done since then is cry and cry and use destructive behaviors. I have exams and shit this week. Have I studied? No. And that’s just adding another layer to the anxiety. - - I just don’t see a point in trying any more. Recovery is completely gone, I’m not eating or functioning or really doing anything. I’ve just given up. - - Sorry for the lack of posts. I’m taking a break from recovery/society (and therefore writing about recovery) for the next little while.
Instagram vs reality 🤦♀️ - Procrastinating by making a fancier lunch than usual, only to have it backfire. Honestly was too lazy to make this again so just ate what was still on the plate and some fruit to make up for the spilled food. - - Recovery is not all green juice and perfectly edited photos of food. Sometimes recovery is being so anxious your hands are shaking and you dump your lunch all over the floor 🤷♀️ But instead of taking it as a sign to not eat (seeing “signs” is a big part of my disorder), you still eat💃 - - Em’s recovery: 1 Her clumsiness: 0
Note to self 💜 - Super duper struggling with body image. Today marks a week purge free after a pretty rough couple of weeks with that behavior and my body is so bloated and puffy and takes ages to digest anything. It’s so physically uncomfortable - none of my clothes fit right, my body hurts, and my stomach feels super heavy, like there’s rocks weighing it down. - - It’s so hard balancing recovery and school. I feel like I would be farther along in this process if I had the time to devote to recovery, but I’m honestly so stressed and bombarded with school work I feel like I don’t have time to take care of myself. William & Mary is notorious for its stress culture and overloading students and it’s so hard to deal with. Balance just feels impossible. - - Instead of breaking down and b/p’ing all night like I want to, I spent time with friends, put my schoolwork away, and am doing some coloring before going to bed. - - Hope you’re all having a nice night 💕
(Packed) dinner today was a tofu/veggie wrap, grapes, carrots, and cashews 💫 - On Wednesdays I have a class from 5:30pm - 8:20pm and then a club meeting right after. This makes it difficult to have dinner, even just from a timing perspective. And since I have an eating disorder it is even more difficult. This class is such a convenient excuse to skip - I really am actively occupied during traditional dinner hours. - - But skipping one meal is never enough for me, and I know one missed dinner would quickly become many missed meals in one week. So to make it a little easier on myself I packed this and had it right before walking into the classroom. - - This week is so stressful. I hate to be that person complaining about schoolwork - but I had 4 papers assigned for this week. I’ve turned 3 in and have 1 to go and I’m just over it. I am so exhausted and drained and just never want to look at a word document ever again. As much as I try to get ahead on weekends and plan/not procrastinate, it still is a lot of work in a short amount of time. It feels like I’m running a marathon and just limping to the finish line at this point. - - Also randomly the past few days I’ve had horrible horrible body image. My body image is never great, but this is way worse than usual. I feel physically heavier, I feel like none of my clothes fit me, I feel bloated/puffy/uncomfortable all the time. And now I’m just so worried I’ve gained weight recently it’s driving me crazy. I’m hoping this is connected to bloating - I was slipping in September and tomorrow will mark a week purge free so it would make sense that my body is re-adjusting to a regular food intake (and keeping it down). - - If anyone has any advice about dealing with bloating or body image please let me know! Hope you’re all having a fab week 🌟
Pancakes with pals 🥞 - We miss out on so much socializing when our ED isolates us from eating out, eating around others, etc etc. Recover for the ability to enjoy yummy food and wonderful company/conversation! 🌟
Chili with allll the toppings for dinner! - - Today I woke up feeling very fuzzy and off. I think it was a combination of medication, depression, and exhaustion. It took everything in me to haul myself to class, and afterwards I just wanted to hide in bed. - Unfortunately, I couldn’t do that because I had a regular therapy session and an EMDR session. Despite everything in me wanting to avoid the world, I went to both appointments. They were both difficult in their own right. With my primary therapist I actually had some issues with her personally I had to bring up, and EMDR is always difficult because it’s targeting trauma. - - After EMDR I really wanted chili for some reason? Even admitting that I want a specific food is really shameful for me. But it’s totally normal! Maybe that was just my brain’s way of trying convince me it’s fall (even though it’s 80 degrees out)? Whatever the reason, I actually listened to my body for once instead of denying what I wanted like usual? Who even am I? - - After showering/washing my hair and having a delicious dinner, my brain started to clear up a bit and actually cooperated with me enough that I was able to write half of an essay! Instead of pushing myself to write the rest of it tonight, I’m going to give myself a break. Sure, I have 3 midterm papers due (besides this one) next week. Yes, I had to get an extension for the paper I worked on today because my brain fog’s been so bad I haven’t been able to focus. And although it would be so easy to continue to berate myself for not trying hard enough/being lazy/dumb, I’m going to give myself the rest I need. - - I don’t even know if this caption makes sense. The brain fog is still pretty bad. Engaging in behaviors rampantly all week + depression fucks you up apparently 🤷♀️ - - But here’s to a good night’s rest, self compassion, and better days! Have a fab night pals! 🌟
Full day of eating (#fdoe) - documenting myself getting back on track with recovery! • breakfast: 2 slices of buttered toast, 2 hardboiled eggs, watermelon • lunch: crispy tofu caesar wrap, snap peas, grapes, cashews • dinner: @moessouthwestgrill tofu salad with chips + queso - I don’t typically make fdoe posts, but I wanted to document today as a way of keeping myself accountable to getting back on track. Since getting some crappy news Saturday, I fell into a dark, depressing hole filled with ED/sh behaviors. I’ve also been too depressed to do schoolwork, which just results in extreme anxiety/guilt over being behind. I honestly didn’t see myself getting out of that hole without professional intervention, but here I am doing it all on my own 🙆♀️ - There was no outside incentive here: no prompting from staff, no privileges taken away (in res most places you only get coffee if you complete all your meals - the main reason I ate then tbh), no threats of higher level of care. Just me doing recovery right for me! 🌟
Breakfast ~ cinnamon toast crunch + fruit over vanilla greek yog ☀️ - Breakfast isn’t something I share on here usually, mostly because up until very recently, I didn’t eat it (outside of treatment). Breakfast has always been the easiest meal for me to skip. I think partly because it’s so socially acceptable to not eat breakfast/substitute coffee for breakfast. But, as every dietitian has ever told me, coffee is not a meal. Even w milk in it - a point I’ve very passionately argued before when deep in my ED. - - I’ve noticed though since discharging from Fairhaven that if I skip breakfast, I’m more likely to skip other meals too and can quickly fall back into a well worn pattern of behaviors. And whenever I try to put myself back on track, breakfast is the hardest meal to have. That’s why I know I have to have it every single day. - - Just because skipping breakfast isn’t a big deal for some intuitive eaters, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a big deal for me. It’s so easy for me to compare and use other people’s behaviors as justification for my ED driven ones. But realistically I’m not at a place where I can intuitively regulate my intake. So following my meal plan, as annoying/hard as it can be, is essential for my recovery and for my wellbeing 🌟 - Have a fab weekend pals!
Lunch - avo toast w/ poached eggs and kiwi! - - Life is hard and scary right now. I have so much going on academically and wish I could devote all of my time to that. Unfortunately, I also have lots going on mentally. I started EMDR therapy for trauma and like. Just not enjoying myself right now and it makes focusing on schoolwork nearly impossible. I just feel like such a failure because I’m not over-excelling at every single assignment 🤦♀️ - Good thing I’m about to walk in to therapy!! Have nice weekend pals 💫
Recover for the ability to enjoy spontaneous custard & authentic friendship 🍦🌈 - Grateful that I’m able to be present and engaged in the moment. Grateful for friends like @taylor.white1197 that support me and my recovery. Grateful for cappuccino chocolate chunk custard. Just all the gratitude tonight 💫
Another day, another cinnamon raisin bagel! This time with almond butter & a banana + greek yog w/ berries + coffee 😋 - After having a bagel the other day, I remembered how much I love bagels! I also realized I’ve unintentionally been avoiding them for awhile now. At fairhaven, we had 1/2 a bagel when we chose that for breakfast so now a whole bagel feels like too much. But in reality, I know that’s not true. 1/2 a bagel is disordered, and even my dietitian at fairhaven agreed with me about that. - - Feeling super pro recovery today! My mood is slightly more manageable, which helps so much. Also in my last group therapy session today, people discussed using behaviors and initially, I was jealous and wanted to go back to behaviors too. But after some reflection, I realized that’s not what I want. Fuck being cold, unable to think, and overexercising every day to the point of excruciating pain. Fuck eating the same measured and calculated meal every day. When I’m in my disorder I have no room for real life. And real life is a hell of a lot better than the ED. - - Now I’m just trying to focus on my exam Thursday. It’s for a pass/fail class so I haven’t really paid attention (oopsies) and now I’m just feeling fucked. It’s my first English class in college - a poetry class. How do you even test someone on poetry? Isn’t it all subjective? Ugh 🙄 - Hope you’re all having a fab week! Happy hump day 🐪
A very important and victorious lunch: cinnamon raisin bagel with pb and banana from the library coffee shop 😋 - Today was not the spectacular day I was hoping for. TW for pests/mice/animal death . . . . . . . There was a dead mouse rotting behind my refrigerator that made it impossible to be in my apartment, and it took forever to get the maintenance man to remove the mouse. I’ve had mice issues since I moved in (droppings all over the counters, bags of food shredded/nibbled into) but this was the first time I saw one in person. I discovered it right before I was going to make lunch, and it absolutely ruined my appetite. I couldn’t stand the smell so I had to leave my house and therefore couldn’t cook. - - At first, this seemed like the perfect opportunity to restrict. So I went to the library and got in line at the coffee shop to get an energy drink when I saw they now have pb for their bagels, and that they had my favorite flavor of bagel. Without too much debate, I ordered the damn bagel. I used 2 containers of pb, and ate a delicious lunch. - - I am honestly shocked I had lunch today. I still have some pretty rigid beliefs around food, and once I have in my head that I’m going to have something specific for a meal, I can have some very irrational meltdowns when the food isn’t perfectly what I was envisioning. - - But life isn’t perfect, and I’m working on embracing those imperfections. Today I dealt with an unpleasant disruption in my plans, but still came out on top having followed my meal plan 🙌 - Shoutout to recovery for giving me the skills, strength, and flexibility to have lunch regardless of the circumstances 💫
Incorporating some eka pada vasisthasana into my practice this afternoon ☀️ - There are so many reasons why I initially saw this picture and didn’t think it was Instagram “worthy.” My form isn’t perfect, my body is a lot bigger than I’m comfortable with - the list of flaws my head can come up with is endless. - - But so what? The whole point of this account is to show the realities of eating disorder recovery and mental health struggles. And the reality is, my body is a lot chubbier than it used to be. I’m not as flexible or strong after sitting on my butt in treatment for a couple months. I probably should wash my hair and clean my apartment. 🤷♀️ - But I am not defined by these visible flaws. And what’s even more important are my invisible strengths. My mind and soul are so much stronger than my physical body could ever be. Despite all of the hardships, setbacks, and relapses, I’m still fighting to cultivate a beautiful life. - - So yes, I may hate my size in this picture. But that doesn’t mean I can’t honor the strength and resiliency hidden inside of my imperfect body ❤️
Mornings are better with @butterybakinghouse 💛 - Pushing myself in so many ways today. Socializing, eating outside of my comfort zone, not getting behind with class. All the hard things. All the necessary things. - - Have a fab weekend, friends! We can do hard things!
You ever just so fucking sick of your eating disorder that you eat some cinnamon toast crunch just to spite it? - - Things are hard. PTSD is ruling my life at the moment. But no matter how much I want to, I’m not turning to my ED for comfort. I’m doing the hard things. Eating the scary foods. Engaging in stressful social situations. And holding onto hope that it won’t always be this way 🤞 - Also: tomorrow I’m going for an EMDR assessment. Has anyone ever done this treatment? If so, how was it? I’m really scared about delving into trauma therapy but I know I can’t move forward with my life without addressing it. If you feel comfortable please message me! Help a girl out 🙃
Going with the flow 🧘♀️ - Finally pulled myself out of bed to do yoga this afternoon! For some reason I struggle so much with doing yoga, even though it is my absolute favorite thing in the world. Before coming back to W&M, I was going to yoga once a day, sometimes twice, at Uru, a beyond amazing studio in Pensacola. For a while I kept up my practice, but last summer I experienced the worst depression I’ve ever had and stopped doing yoga (and functioning) completely. - - Since then, it’s been a challenge to make it onto my mat. I have no problem when I’m in Pensacola and can go to Uru, but in Williamsburg the studios are overpriced ($25/a class!!) and the classes/instructors extremely lacking. My heart aches so much for the loving teachers and community I had at Uru. - - Those issues aside, I know I’m capable of practicing on my own. So why don’t I? I have a really hard time doing things I enjoy. I feel guilty and like I don’t deserve it. Also at this point I’m so out of shape and have such a small fraction of the strength/flexibility I used to have it’s demoralizing. - - However. Once I finally found my way to my mat today, I felt so much better. Even just the smell of my mat relaxes me. Today I’m so grateful for my practice. I’m grateful that I found the strength to haul myself out of my dark room and pit of anxiety. I’m grateful for patience, for breath, and for the self compassion I found in those minutes on my mat 🕉💕
Dinner - tofu stir fry over brown rice! TW for the rest of this, I have a case of Big Sad. - Struggling with super low mood today. I’m so frustrated that no medication or efforts to do my best with school/eating/self care is raising my mood. Tbh super strong self harm urges (I even dreamed about it last night which is disturbing) and suicidal thoughts are really loud. I’m not going to act on the suicidal thoughts, but they’re still there and it’s so debilitating. - - I’m so not prepared for classes tomorrow. I’m used to demanding perfection from myself, and working at school at the cost of my mental health. - - So trying to accept the hard thoughts, acknowledge that they don’t serve me, and focusing on taking action to improve my situation. For me, that means eating all of my meal plan (no matter how much I want to restrict to numb everything), taking a bubble bath to ride out sh urges, and forgiving myself for not accomplishing all of my schoolwork. Also writing about it and sharing how I’m feeling - it keeps me accountable and takes away the shame surrounding these thoughts/feelings. - Hope you all have a nice week 💫
Lemon creme meringue cruffin made its appearance back on the @butterybakinghouse menu so of course I had to get one for breakfast 💫 - This is my all time favorite cruffin. Meringue and lemon are two of my favorite things! - - After getting up at 8am (after not a lot of sleep) I had my cruffin and then immediately fell back asleep until 2pm. I’m beating myself up - I could have done so much homework. I feel lazy and like I’ll be so behind for the week. - - But there’s no point in getting angry with myself. I can’t go back in time and undo my nap. There’s still plenty of time this weekend and I know I’ll do my best with my work (which is all I can do) 💕 - Be sure to check out @butterybakinghouse at the @williamsburgfarmersmarket!